PHP Developers Required

am 03.11.2007 16:31:07 von Paul

We are looking for two PHP developers (1 senior & 1 junior).

You will be assisting with new development, bug fixes, installs and
the like on a new product that is being funded by a large global
financial company and is approaching production. This is a great time
to join the current, small, team.

This is a work-from-whereever-you-want position, but you may be asked
to come to a meeting maybe once a week, maybe once a month - all
depends on how things are going. As long as you can make it to the
meeting on-time and without taking hours and hours to get there, you
can work in a cave for all we care *BUT* you must live in the US,
legally, and you should be in the Northeast.

As an independent contractor, you won't get any benefits. Nada. Just
a daily rate. For now - other options may open themselves up in the
future.

You *must*:

* Be able to write clean, fast, secure, PHP code using OO techniques
and have been doing it for at least 4 years (2 years for junior).

* Understand the myriad of security vulnerabilities that can be
exposed in web applications (SQL injection, XSS etc) and how to
prevent them.

* Understand SQL to an advanced level (transactions, optimizing
queries, joins, subselects etc).

* Understand and are able to use SVN or CVS.

* Be able to download, and compile various software (PHP/MySQL/various
libs) using gcc, make etc.

* Be within comfortable meeting distance of Hampstead, NH (about 1
hour from Boston, MA) for when a dev meeting is required.

* Be able to occasionally travel domestically and overseas to assist
with installations.

* Have a fast, reliable internet connection, wherever you choose to
work.

* Be comfortable working in geographically diverse teams - you may
never see your colleagues in person.

Bonus points for:

* Experience with any of: MySQL Replication, MySQL Cluster, Oracle,
Microsoft SQL Server, Load Balancing Methodology, Disaster Recovery,
Zend Platform & Zend Guard.

Do not apply if:

* Your idea of working from home means less work, more Halo 3.
* You think Microsoft is the solution to everything.
* You rely on magic_quotes to handle all that security 'stuff' for
you.
* You're knowledge of SQL is limited to SELECT col FROM table;
* You don't know the difference between MyISAM & InnoDB.
* You write PHP happily all day along but don't use OO.
* You're not 100% comfortable using a Unix variant

To apply, please send:

* Covering note
* Resume (plain text or MS Word)
* An example of *your* work, in PHP, using OO techniques
* Day rate requirements
* Which position you are applying for, senior or junior

To: paul at stinkhound dot com.

No recruiters, agencies or development houses please.

Re: PHP Developers Required

am 05.11.2007 16:22:40 von Virginner

paul@stinkREMOVEhound.com> wrote in message
news:j15pi3p66ehh1kths30ptmc6h5ful2vdas@4ax.com...
> We are looking for two PHP developers (1 senior & 1 junior).
>
> You will be assisting with new development, bug fixes, installs and
> the like on a new product that is being funded by a large global
> financial company and is approaching production. This is a great time
> to join the current, small, team.
>
> This is a work-from-whereever-you-want position, but you may be asked
> to come to a meeting maybe once a week, maybe once a month - all
> depends on how things are going. As long as you can make it to the
> meeting on-time and without taking hours and hours to get there, you
> can work in a cave for all we care *BUT* you must live in the US,
> legally, and you should be in the Northeast.

So, Newcastle is OK, then?

Re: PHP Developers Required

am 05.11.2007 16:22:40 von Virginner

Re: PHP Developers Required

am 14.11.2007 16:42:09 von Onideus Mad Hatter

On Sat, 03 Nov 2007 15:31:07 GMT, paul@stinkREMOVEhound.com wrote:

>We are looking for two PHP developers (1 senior & 1 junior).

....and posting your ad in a NEWSGROUP seemed like a good idea...how?
You uh, you *DO* comprehend that newsgroup access spans the WHOLE
GLOBE, right? I mean maybe if it was a position in which it could be
done remotely via telecommuting, but yer lookin for peeps in a VERY
specific location.

No offense or anything, but I would never work for a company who
didn't have enough sense to know where to look for job candidates.

>You will be assisting with new development, bug fixes, installs and
>the like on a new product that is being funded by a large global
>financial company and is approaching production. This is a great time
>to join the current, small, team.

....wow...vague much?

>This is a work-from-whereever-you-want position, but you may be asked
>to come to a meeting maybe once a week, maybe once a month - all
>depends on how things are going.

Why did you just contradict yourself? I mean either it's a work from
where ever or it's not, pick one, don't be so wishy washy.

>As long as you can make it to the
>meeting on-time and without taking hours and hours to get there, you
>can work in a cave for all we care *BUT* you must live in the US,
>legally, and you should be in the Northeast.

So tell us all again how exactly having to live in the north east of
the US equates to "work where ever you want". DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM

>As an independent contractor,

This sounds like a GOOD IDEA!

*do take note of the sarcasm*

>you won't get any benefits. Nada. Just
>a daily rate.

Which would be...what exactly? Do you honestly expect anyone to even
take you seriously when you don't even know what the fuck it is you're
offering?

>For now - other options may open themselves up in the
>future.
>
>You *must*:
>
>* Be able to write clean, fast, secure, PHP code using OO techniques
>and have been doing it for at least 4 years (2 years for junior).

"OO techniques"...do you even have any fuckin clue as to what you're
babbling? Cause I don't think you do, I really don't. See to me, if
you're relying heavily on OO style programming in PHP...you probably
shouldn't be using PHP...unless you're a dumbfuck.

>* Understand the myriad of security vulnerabilities that can be
>exposed in web applications (SQL injection, XSS etc) and how to
>prevent them.

Wait, wait, wait...hold up Sunshine...you said you were looking for a
PHP developer...now you're looking for a SQL developer? Which is it?
Also, the security of your web applications or whatever the hell it is
you're failing towards...yeah...not really something you'd want to put
into the hands of an independent contractor.

>* Understand SQL to an advanced level (transactions, optimizing
>queries, joins, subselects etc).

You do realize that whatever "pay rate" you originally had in mind for
the PHP Developer...it just doubled with that statement.

>* Understand and are able to use SVN or CVS.

....does one REALLY need to "understand" that in order to use it? I
mean that's like saying you need a data entry specialist who
understands how to build a computer...or a cab driver whose also a
mechanic...not exactly directly related so much.

>* Be able to download, and compile various software (PHP/MySQL/various
>libs) using gcc, make etc.

>* Be within comfortable meeting distance of Hampstead, NH (about 1
>hour from Boston, MA) for when a dev meeting is required.

Okay that's like the THIRD fuckin time you've "revised" your own job
listing within the listing itself. I'd say your stupid ass needs to
hire yourself a copy editor more than you need a PHP developer.

>* Be able to occasionally travel domestically and overseas to assist
>with installations.

....and WHO is going to pay for THAT and WHAT exactly will it cover?

>* Have a fast, reliable internet connection, wherever you choose to
>work.

And the dumbfuck contradicts himself a FOURTH TIME! It's not
"whereever" if it has to be one hour away from Boston, you doorknob!

>* Be comfortable working in geographically diverse teams - you may
>never see your colleagues in person.
>
>Bonus points for:

Bonus points? BONUS POINTS?! What the fuck is this a job listing or
a quiz show? Holy fuckin Christ man, I mean I've seen a LOT of
dumbfuck employers make a LOT of really dumbfuck mistakes when it
comes to job listings and interviews...but this...this just takes the
cake, it really does.

>* Experience with any of: MySQL Replication, MySQL Cluster, Oracle,
>Microsoft SQL Server, Load Balancing Methodology, Disaster Recovery,
>Zend Platform & Zend Guard.
>
>Do not apply if:
>
>* Your idea of working from home means less work, more Halo 3.
>* You think Microsoft is the solution to everything.

Um, Dumbfuck, you're hiring for a PHP DEVELOPER...no, that's not a
Microsoft product. So it's sort of implied that you wouldn't be
hiring someone who thinks MS is the solution to everything.

>* You rely on magic_quotes to handle all that security 'stuff' for
>you.
>
>* You're knowledge of SQL is limited to SELECT col FROM table;

I think you mean "your" not "you're"...again, hire your stupid ass a
copy editor before you hire a PHP developer.

>* You don't know the difference between MyISAM & InnoDB.
>* You write PHP happily all day along but don't use OO.
>* You're not 100% comfortable using a Unix variant

....what the hell would it matter? PHP isn't restricted to any
particular OS and your dumbfuck ass just claimed that you would be
working from "whereever" which implies that you would NOT be on site.

Oh and BTW, that last requirement...the "pay rate" has tripled now.

>To apply, please send:
>
>* Covering note

....covering note? COVERING NOTE?!

I think you mean COVER PAGE.

*shakes head*

This just never stops being sad.

>* Resume (plain text or MS Word)

MS Word, huh? I thought you were looking for someone who was
completely comfortable using Linux and doesn't like Microsoft? Just
another contradiction in your ever growing list of contradictions I
guess.

>* An example of *your* work, in PHP, using OO techniques

What, really?! You mean I can't use someone ELSE'S work?! Huh, boy
who woulda guessed. *rolls eyes*

>* Day rate requirements

Okay rule number one Bumbles...don't ask the candidates what they
think they should be paid. Why not? Because it implies that you have
no budget worked out for your little project, because if you had a
budget you would damn well know exactly how much is in the budget for
the PHP developer and THAT is what you would be offering them for the
job.

>* Which position you are applying for, senior or junior

Hrmmm...how about...NONE! *nods*

>To: paul at stinkhound dot com.

What was that? Was it paul@stinkhound.com ? ^_^

Here, let me help ya out with that:
paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com
paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com
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paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com
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paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com
paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com paul@stinkhound.com

....spam bots away! LOL

>No recruiters, agencies or development houses please.

Spam bots are alright though, huh.

Re: PHP Developers Required

am 14.11.2007 16:42:09 von Onideus Mad Hatter